How would you describe your body?
Fat. I don’t see it as bad word, and I want to remove negative connotations towards it and also fight against society’s fatphobia.
How do you feel about your body these days?
I have a great relationship with my body, but I didn’t always have that. In my teenage years I struggled with eating disorders because of a low self-esteem and body image issues. I started gaining weight because of anti-depressants and undiagnosed PCOS. It was hard for me to see myself getting heavier, but within time I realised I didn’t want to live a life hating my body. Because what’s the point? Why would I let my weight dictate how I live my life or how worthy I am? So, I changed my thinking pattern about my body and I’ve been working on body acceptance and self-love ever since. I feel more and more liberated every day.
How do you feel when you’re naked?
I feel free! That is the best word for it! I sleep naked, walk around my apartment naked. I feel very comfortable in my birthday suit, which has also helped me a lot with my confidence. Just being in your body and seeing it in all its imperfect glory helps you accept exactly how you look.
What would you like to share with us about your sexuality?
I have never really put a label on my sexuality; I’ve always just gone with the flow. But I would describe myself as pansexual — I fall for personality and not gender. I knew this from a very young age. Actually, when I was around 10 years old, I started asking my parents if they would mind if I ended up adopting a kid or being with the same gender. I actually don’t talk about it often because I somehow think it invalidates my relationship with my fiancé (a cis-gendered man). But I need to realise that it doesn’t — how I love is how I love. So, this is kind of me coming out to the world. Hello!
How has being so self-aware impacted your sex life?
I am a very curious being, so I definitely explore a lot. Being in a long-term relationship has not slowed me down, we still explore a lot together and it is always fun — especially when it’s with a person I trust and love, because then I know I’m being respected. I have always been very open talking about my sexual experiences, sometimes my friends and I get some weird looks in cafés. But, my sexual activity has been very fluctuating. I was sexually abused throughout my childhood, so I have had my struggles with intimacy. I feel like people don’t talk openly about the aftermath of sexual abuse and what it does to you. I am a very passionate and loving person, but I have phases where it’s harder for me to be sexual because I can’t shake the feeling of it being wrong or feeling disgusting. Obviously, my fiancé fully understands and is not pushing me to just “get over it’’ but it’s hard for me to accept that it always fluctuates. As a teenager I always just pushed myself to cross my boundaries because I didn’t want to believe something was wrong, but now I’m working a lot on my mental health and I’ve started listening to my body more to get help on the things I find difficult. I’ve realised that sex is one of my bigger issues, understandably.
Does masturbation help you listen to your body better?
Yes, it’s very important to feel yourself and make love to yourself. It helps you connect deeper with your body. I masturbate regularly, but mostly if I’m in the mood I’ll grab my fiancé. I also think having sex toys would be a lot of fun to try as a two-some, after being in a relationship for six years it’s time to explore other worlds together. Time to buy one.
Solo sex vs. sex with others. Thoughts?
Sex with others is way more fun. I get pleasure from giving pleasure. It’s also great to feel reassured that you’re in a safe environment with your partner — I feel sexually empowered this way. Having sex with yourself is still very fun though, but I prefer it with someone else. But, who knows, I might feel differently once I get a sex toy.
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